Category Fitness

You’re Going to Want to Read This One…

I’ve waited so long to be able to say this. I’ve worked incredibly hard every day. This last month has been one of the hardest I’ve ever had. I’ve had to watch while family and friends devoured food that I hadn’t ever realized I had taken for granted. I have faced some of the strongest […]

Foodlessness: Day 1

WARNING: This post features lots of math and stats which any normal human being would find incredibly dense. What you are about to read skim has been written primarily for my own benefit. So… deal with it. Day one of diet shakes. The lack of physical stamina and slight increase in irritability have sucked the […]

Making Permanent Change

Shortly after my last post, my mother took me to a weight loss clinic where I was evaluated by a team of experts trained to withstand the gag reflex brought about by being in the presence of a topless fatass such as myself. I found out that while I am overall pretty healthy, my overall […]

The Summer of Michael!!!

Listen up people! I’m gonna be straight with you. I went to college and have around 40 more pounds of “me” to show for it. Here’s the facts… My degree is officially “Molecular and Cellular Biology” with an emphasis in Infectious Disease & Immunity as well as Microbiology. I get very little sleep. My GPA is […]

What Your Personal Trainer’s Really Thinking…

On the eighth day, Satan put athletic trainers on this Earth to silently torment the obese with their perfect forms. Here are my predictions as to what goes through these chiseled-chested demons minds as they watch us suffer through the countless exercises they prescribe for us. Squats “Oh my God, if he farts now I win the pool!” “Your […]

I’m a World Record Holder! (and the Freshman 15)

You didn’t read the title wrong, I’M SECRETLY A WOMAN!!! Wrong title? Well if you thought I’m a world record holder than you guessed right! On August 24th, 2012, I joined roughly 7000 people in breaking the world record for corn husking at our college orientation; a feat that was magical only in the sense […]

Gym Freaks

I’m not writing this post as if I go to the gym all the time. No, I go like once in a blue moon. Like maybe once every president, do I go to the gym. Maybe like every time a new pope is elected do I go to the gym. But every time I go […]

The Sharing Size: Bigger Servings for Bigger People

Okay, I’ll admit. I’m sitting next to the empty wrapper of a “Sharing Size” bag of M&M’s. But come on, when they first came out did anyone really think “Gee wiz, now I can finally share my delicious bag of candy with all my friends!” No. You didn’t. You thought “More fatty fuel for fatty.” I know […]

The State of the Sag- August 2012

Let me just preface this by saying, nobody cringe at the self-depreciating humor. It’s the only way I keep my ego in check. Now, I’ve been trying out a few new ways to lose weight and for the most part it’s been working. Unfortunately it looks like it’s too little too late. I recently went […]

Portion Police: Drinks

First off: let me tell you about my relationship with Dominick’s grocery store: I eat at the cafe all the time and every time I waddle out hating myself. Last night I go in there around 8:00 PM, in search of something to cram down my gullet and there are two women working behind the […]