Foodlessness: Day 1

WARNING: This post features lots of math and stats which any normal human being would find incredibly dense. What you are about to read skim has been written primarily for my own benefit. So… deal with it.

Day one of diet shakes.

The lack of physical stamina and slight increase in irritability have sucked the creative juices right out of me so forgive me if this doesn’t carry the same comical tone as the majority of my posts. I couldn’t get to the doctor’s office to pick up the week’s supply until around 4:00 so all I’ve had to eat today is a 160 calorie protein shake. Oh joy… oh rapture… fml.

Like I actually feel like the human embodiment of the grumpy cat meme. On the plus side, I’ve done 7306 out of the 20,000 steps I have to walk today and approximately none of the sit-ups. But still, I’m doing it and that makes me feel good. No pun intended.

Here are some of the test results from my first meeting at the weight loss clinic:

Total Body Water: 125.0 lbs. (I could hydrate a Goddamn slip n slide).

Dry Lean Mass: 46.1 lbs.

Body Fat Mass: 136.9 lbs.

This gives me a lean body mass of 171.1 lbs with an overall weight of 308.0 lbs.

Using all the knowledge of a first year biology student, I am left to deduce that I am a nothing more than a sentient sack of water and fat. Ladies, have I mentioned I’m single?

Now let’s see where I’m supposed to be:

For the average 6’2″ male…

Target Weight: 171 lbs.  Are you kidding me?!?!? That means I’m 139 lbs away from my target weight!!! Well guess what science? F@#K YOU!!! The only way I’ll ever weigh that much again is if they amputated… well… like from the waist down. Aaaaaaanyways I’m going a little crazy here and it’s only day one.

The fitness goal for each day is 100 sit-ups and 20,000 steps to start me off. I’ll lose 2 lbs/wk with the steps and probably not much with the sit-ups. However the meal replacements take off 5 lbs a week. Plus the extra 2 means I’ll be losing an average of seven pounds a week for approximately 12 weeks.

Therefore my goal by the end of the summer is to lose 84 lbs bringing me down to 226 lbs. Wow that seems like a lot. Well in the words of Les Brown, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

~I’ll be feeding you seconds in no time,




One comment

  1. […] one month of rigorous diet and exercise, I am proud to say that I… have lost 40 […]

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