Tangent: You’re Not Fedorable

Alright, look. This has nothing to do with my site. No food here and most certainly no fitness. Fedoras may just be as big of an indicator of a person’s character as jean shorts. For example.

If you own and publicly wear a pair of jean shorts, you are almost certainly one of the following.

  • A seasoned war veteran.
  • The dorkiest dad in the neighborhood.
  • The creepiest/nerdiest social outcast you can find.

Now similarly if you wear a fedora, there’s a lot I can tell about you.

  • Right off the bat, if you’re wearing a fedora you believe wholeheartedly that you are the coolest being to have ever graced the face of the Earth while simultaneously have such little self awareness that you think this is a good look for you.
  • You are the type of person to use British slang if not stooping to the lowest of the low and pretending that you’re British in public by putting on the thickest most stereotypical accent you can concoct while drawing every known British national stereotype into your speech. I hate you I hate you so much.
  • You’re wearing of the fedora will increase the likelihood of you using British slang by roughly 40%.
  • There’s a 70% chance you’re into Anime, a 30% chance that you’re into Manga, and a 40% chance you know the difference between the two.
  • If you should so happen to wear said fedora at a poker party, you will transform your entire personality. You could be the most open, spazzy, dorky, human being in your day to day life but when the cards are dealt and your fedora is secured tightly you become the most annoying, falsely mysterious idiot in the room. You give one word responses to everything and you’re probably wearing shades as if you were soooooo serious about the poker game.
  • Here’s some more stats for you. If you’re wearing a fedora at a poker game, there’s a 30% chance you know how to play poker, a 100% chance that you will act like you know how to play poker, and a 50% chance that you Googled poker vocabulary earlier in the day so you could act like you know what you’re doing.

Now let’s review the circumstances under which wearing a fedora does not make you look like an idiot.

Okay let’s move on.

In closing, I’m not discouraging anyone from wearing a fedora. I will not judge you if you do. I will simply judge you by the attributes associated with your “fedorable” self. Know what you look like people. It’s… it’s just rough.

~I’ll be feeding you seconds in no time,

Michael

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