Gym Freaks

I’m not writing this post as if I go to the gym all the time. No, I go like once in a blue moon. Like maybe once every president, do I go to the gym. Maybe like every time a new pope is elected do I go to the gym. But every time I go to the gym I see the same set of carnival freaks hanging out in there and I would argue that they’re universal, perhaps travelling the world to find the gym you, the reader, are walking into to deter you from your workout experience.

Here are some of the more garden variety species you’ll find down at the YMCA.

Old Naked Guy in the Locker Room: Every time, EVERY TIME with this guy. The old guy, perhaps even a flock of guys, 70+ who are determined to walk around naked in the local locker room. That’s the second time I’ve used the word “perhaps” in this post. It will be the last. Anyways I’ve gone into the locker room in like December at gyms where there is no indoor pool and THERE ARE STILL elderly gentlemen with their honey bunches of oats out just waiting for me to walk by.


Guy Who’s In Love With His Body: This is the guy who sit’s/stands around checking out his own gun show, showing himself where the beach is. And this guy by the way, I’ve never seen him work out. He just goes to the gym for the self-justification. It’s the man’s way of saying “do you think I’m pretty?”

The Stationary (Soccer Mom) Biker: Sally, lovely woman,but a complete waste of space. Not saying that I’m training for the Tour de France, but if your butt could easily double as a life raft and you’re at your racing pace of two miles an hour reading 10 Ways to Please Your Man in a back issue of Cosmo, get off the damn bike!

Chatty Carl: Every gym has a Carl. That person who won’t shut up. He’s either talking with someone who just walked in and feels like he needs to catch up on the last 30 years of his life or he’s making small talk with you. Because I feel like I’m even more of a conversationalist when a dark ring of sweat is eroding away at my t-shirt. Look I don’t want to hear your opinions on the baseball season. Why don’t you go macrame a portrait of the Kennedy assassination or do some other creepy crap and leave me to wallow in my own sweat and misery.

In one past gym experience, the guy next to me would gurgle/suck some water every time he lifted a weight, turned to me and water whistled as he slowly released. I slept with one eye open that night.

However, no matter what sweaty abomination you may see in the gym it should never be a deterrent for getting a good workout in. So sit back and enjoy natures most abstract creations.

I’ll be feeding you seconds in no time~


For more hysterical gym mutant stereotypes, visit


One comment

  1. hahahaha love it… especially the pic of Chatty Carl. I despise people who talk to me while I’m trying to get my workout in. I had a similar rant about nudity in the locker room as well… you think old men naked in the locker room are bad, but nothing burns my eyes more than the old naked women. If you haven’t yet, check out my first few posts and the video I posted from Jenna Marbles- the men in the gym who “pick things up and put them down”… it’s pretty funny.

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