Fast Food Restaurant Review- McDonald’s Schaumburg

Upon my arrival to the establishment, the first thing to catch my attention was that there was no waiter on duty. I approached the counter and was greeted by a short gentlemen who’s name tag read “Carlos”. The name tag also labeled him as the restaurant “manger”. What an odd way of saying executive chef.





I must commend them on their absolutely glowing menu. No, literally. It was glowing. I selected my entree, an angus mushroom and Swiss burger meal. A meal that came out to roughly 1320 calories. A sacrifice worth making, however, as the prospect of fine cheese imported from Switzerland tickled my taste buds.


My meal was delivered to me by a lovely gentleman with what looked like a bullet wound. I promptly found my seat and began the dining experience.


I was accompanied by my father who happily declared “Hhggmmdff” his mouth full of the exotic European delicacy known as “French Fries”. We were seated betwixt a party of rather loud elderly Japanese gentleman and a group of high school pot heads. The ambiance was magical.

Upon realizing that there would be no wine sommelier provided for us on this location we had to, nay were forced to replenish our beverages from a metallic fountain of soda which was sticky no matter where you touched it.

There was a rather flaky substance on the table, either salt or crack cocaine. My burger was flavorful and sumptuous as it slithered down my gullet to enter digestive combat with my stomach region. I could feel my heart happily burning inside me as I popped a prilosec.

This location was complemented a play place, a veritable sanctuary of youth complete with a slide crusted with what looked like dried blood.

Overall this was an experience I may never forget, considering I may soon enter into cardiac arrest. I highly recommend making the trip.

I’ll be feeding you seconds in no time~

Michael Pirovano


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