The State of the Sag- August 2012

Let me just preface this by saying, nobody cringe at the self-depreciating humor. It’s the only way I keep my ego in check.

Now, I’ve been trying out a few new ways to lose weight and for the most part it’s been working. Unfortunately it looks like it’s too little too late. I recently went to the dermatologist recently. Shockingly it didn’t go well. Here are some of the deformities I was reminded I have:

Stretch Marks: Yep, I boast the bodacious beach body of The Octomom. I’m working my way up to a full body wrap of stretch marks. The doctor asks me “what do your stretch marks look like”. Hmmmm…. The side of a craggy mountain ma’am? It looks like a marble quarry ma’am? It looks like ancient hieroglyphics ma’am like a missing piece of the Rosetta Stone ma’am. IT LOOKS BAD OKAY?!?!? So I walk out of there with a prescription for an acne medicine which is also used too treat stretch marks. How bad is your acne if your acne meds can strip waves of stretch marks off your body? When did Clearasil become an industrial strength belt sander?

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The Breastal Section: Man-boobs, moobs, gynecomastia, whatever you choose to call it, I’ve got ’em. And, you know? The embarrassing thing is that I’d probably be more okay with them if they were a set of perky Sofia Vergaras. But no these aren’t the breasts that land you a spread in vanity fair. These are the breasts you had to dodge as a child whenever your grandmother gave you a hug. It’s not lift and separate, it’s droop and migrate all over my chest.

Now… I know this may ruin the cherub-like image you may have had of me prior to this article, but know that I’ve recently started to combat these lovely features.

I’ve been using the derm-o-blast sub-lightsaber acne cream with some pretty great results. My bulge badges have faded nicely. Also I’ve been doing a lot more cardio which has reduced the size of my fun bags slightly. So I’ll talk more about this later but here’s a tip for all you gynecomastic guys out there: Working out your pecks doesn’t decrease the size of your moobs. It increases the size of your peck muscles, pushing that fat forward and making your ta-tas taller. S’no good.

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So that, ladies and gentlemen is the state of the sag for this month. Hopefully you’ll see some improvement in the next edition.

I’ll be feeding you seconds in no time~
Michael Pirovano

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